And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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