So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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