The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
