I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
