Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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