Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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