I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
