I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
