At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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