I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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