I love black thongs
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
