you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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