the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
