Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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