Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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