Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
