omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
