i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
