The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
