There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
