I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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