you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
