Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
