Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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