do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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