Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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