You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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