pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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