At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
