I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
