i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
