Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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