hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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