My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
