Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize