You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
