If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
