My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
