I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
