I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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