You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
