I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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