You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Randomize
