Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You can't just leave with hair like that
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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