Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Watching her eat just hurts me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
