I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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