I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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