i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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