3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
