I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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