you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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