FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
