I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
