Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
