I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
