I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
