Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
