Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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