i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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